Heartache & Kleenex

Well, hello there... did ya miss me? It's been a long minute.. I must apologize, but to be honest with you, I got tired of being in my head... it's quite exhausting and generally I end up playing a really gnarly game of "Ring Around the Rosy"... circles give me heartburn... blegh! Well, not all circles....that statement is not entirely true.. i mean.. ahem.. hmmm. another story for another day... leaving it at that ;)

Anyway, the rant of the day is about Emotional Cripples, accompanied by Thera Flu, Ricola, and my dear dear friend Lemon Zinger Tea. In other words, bare with me... I'm partially in la la land.

I am guilty of this.. this being what is known as "shut down" mode... ya know how ya boot down a computer properly? well, my way is just hitting the power button so it shuts off... risking all your files programs, docs..

I've been this way since I was a lil girl.. "Children should be seen and not heard" or the usual "You crying? I'll give you something to cry about"... Emotions/feelings do not exist in my world.. I grew up in a Hollywood family; masks worn, painted faces and plastic smiles.. My name is whatever you want it to be, I am whoever you tell me I am.

The problem I find with this type of robotic lifestyle, is you never know how you really feel. Reminds me of the Tin Man in Wizard of Oz on the quest to find a heart... Don't get me wrong, i'm not heartless by any means, I'm just always on a mission, stuck in a labyrinth on a quest to find my inner self.. still searching by the way....

I'm one of those who chuckle at inappropriate times, cackle at funerals, or completely blank faced when should be quite affected.. BUT YET, bawl during Kleenex commercials or while watching "Bambi" .

I feel like my dogs.. the minute they sense any kind of agita, hair stands up, ears perk, on guard... I feel that way.. anyone gets too close, I turn on the switch... My robotic savior, just in the nick of time...

What's scary about this way of dealing is the most important question- What happens when you malfunction? everything-years of bottled up hurt, aggression, pain, anguish what- have- you- IS STILL THERE, doesn't go away.. all that deep seeded muck that clings to you, waiting to engulf you at the drop of a dime...


I'm open to any and all suggestions... I've tried teas and elixirs, music, copious amounts of vodka, sex, ranting and raving to friends, God, even therapy.. nothing thus far has worked... Am I destined to live my life emotionally frustrated?

Always Numb,
Emotional Cripple in LA
xoxo